Things I Never Thought I Would Say...

The title says it all. It becomes so common that you don't realize how uncommon these sayings are in the world(unless you are a parent...then you understand, but perhaps don't talk about it.) Therapeutically, I have posted SOME of the sayings here. As a comical sidenote, when I asked my wife if she remembered any, a SLEW of texts followed as if she had already typed them.

In no particular order:

-"Just where do you think you are going to put that booger?"

-"Go around the house and turn every light off in every room we are not currently in"

-"Unless you are going to eat that, don't bring it to the table"

-"When you manhandle the table and chairs at a truckstop, you essentially licking Trucker Butt"

-"...and don't lick the handicap handle in the toilet stall"

-"Don't crap your pants at the dinner table"

-"Noah, stop wearing your sisters dress and underwear"

-"PUT ON A COAT! It is 10 degrees outside!....SHOES TOO!!!!"

-"Stop throwing your underwear"

-"OH GREAT! I'm so glad someone left me turds in the toilet so I can see the regularity of my offspring"

-"Are you wearing underwear?"

-"Stop riding your sister like a horse"

-"Don't sit on your brothers head"

-"Don't pee in the cup in the bathroom"

Thus sayeth he

Hate is a strong word, but sometimes needed to quantify the level of dislike. With that said, I hate several things.

1. Talking on a phone
2. Talking on a cell phone
3. Talking to dudes on a cell phone
4. Driving. ("Period" is actually pronounced in this case)

I hate driving. Now that has been clarified, the story will make a little more sense. After 5PM at our house, we go into monkey turd mode, wherein Noah sings like gangsa rapper with a hearing problem, Caleb is overwhelmed and repeatedly saying "CHICKEN POT PIE" for some reason(I have no clue...I'm retarded too, so I actually understand the repetitious declarations of words...mine is "VINDALOOOOOOOO!"), Lily is incessantly mangling her hair, and Isabelle is pointing to all of her ailments(we refer to this as the "Boo-Boo Hour" as it ignites a torrent of "I'M HURT RIGHT HERE!" from every different child).

As you can see, it was OUT. OF. HAND. And I was driving. And it was well past 5PM. After more yelling and screaming and boohooing, I had to gain control(YES! I SAID IT...CON-FREAKING-TROL!) of the situation because it was a mad house in our car. So, I yelled "HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! Quit down! Don't say a word! Do NOT say CRAP!"

At this point, in the rearview mirror I see Caleb lean over to Lily and whisper...yep, you guessed it...


"crap"