Day One

Captains Log.
Stardate: October 5, 2009

First day as Full-Time Dad.  The day commenced with the early wake up.  Somehow, I ended up with a small child on the other side of the bed.  That child had twitchy feet.  I was up 12 minutes earlier than I should have.

I woke up and went down to the Bridge(aka "The Kitchen") to check all systems(aka "get my laptop") and set up my mobile command center(aka "moved my laptop to the kitchen").  After setting up the laptop, I opened up my calendar to follow the rigorous schedule left behind by the *real* captain(aka "wife").

I juggled making breakfast("toasting pancakes") with packing lunches.  My skin wretched as I handled the processed meat products("ham") on the sandwiches.

7:13   At the busstop("end of driveway")
7:18   Bus arrives ("PARTY TIME...DANCE FEVER!!!!!")

Breakfast for Isabelle and Noah("leftovers of aforementioned breakfast").  Running on treadmill(aka "emulating the gerbil").  Took Isabelle and Noah to Bloom for essentials("rubber hat, large foam finger that says "WE'RE NUMBER ONE", etc").  Fed grunions again, Isabelle to busstop.  Took Noah to Home Depot and Target for some downtime.  On the way into the store, Noah let out a real gut-busting belch.  I calmly say, "I'm so proud...".  I then hear "hello, Ryan".  It was some one from church.

Inside Target, Noah and I sit for some quality bonding time.  At this point, I felt like making him laugh...you know, trying to overcome all of my crappy dad moments from the last few years.  I began crossing my eyes in circles.  This is what happened:




I'm glad he didn't end up throwing up as I thought that was coming.  After coming back, we sealed the cracks in the pavement on the driveway.  After 58,340 times of telling Noah "don't step on the cracks, stay off the driveway", he road his bike over one.  "I didn't step in it", he said.  Semantics.  Just like work.

After that, we went for a bike ride(aka "the dad you see in all the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints commercials").  Once we came back, the rest of the kids got off the school bus.  Started dinner(okay, it *was* a bit early).  Cleaned kitchen, cleaned ceiling fans, ran sweeper, finished dinner, made exotic salad, cleaned up, had family home evening, sang songs, made sundaes, watched 35 minutes of "Sound of Music", said prayers, watched 15 minutes of "Ratatouille"), kids bedtime.

Now?  Finish laundry, fold mucho bel grande clothes and plan tomorrows endeavors.

On the block tomorrow:  the garbage people didn't take the old Wal-Mart armoire.  With a solid answered prayer, someone will have taken it tonight.  I doubt it.  So tomorrow, I will get the chainsaw or demolition hammer out to destroy that bad oscar.  Maybe strip the floors too.  3 years of wax on no-wax linoleum floors makes my heels stick to them.  Also taking Noah on a long bike ride with his Third Wheel bike on the back of mine.

Should be a hoot....

Fall from Grace...and ability

Coming home from scouts last week, Caleb was remarking that since mom was going to Michigan next week, I would need to take Lily and Caleb to practice, which was almost at the same time. The conversation went as such:

Caleb: "But you have to take Lily to soccer on Tuesday"

After 90 minutes of mind-melting cub scout screeching and hyperactivity, I was not wanting to think, plan, blink, argue, or get out my calendar, so I replied:

"I'll work on that next week, Caleb"

Caleb: "But I have practice at the same time too.....what if Lily is across the city, and I am on the other side?"

Still not wanting to think about anything and my mind already hurting inadvertently planning *how* I will do it, I reply:

"I'll just worry about it next week. I can't even think right now, don't worry about it, bud..."

Caleb: "I just need Deeeeeeeeetails."

Me: (getting a little miffed at this point) "Caleb, I used to help plan search and rescue missions, I think I can handle Soccer and Baseball practice."

Caleb: silent........."I need Deeeeeetails"

A mile in mile shoes...or socks

Saturday, I took Lily to DC to "see the monuments". She was sick on
the day her class went, so I said "don't worry Lils, I'll take you
someday".

Someday. The operative word. Someday. Funny how that word has no real
quantification as an adult. As a child, it means "not today, but most
likely tomorrow".

Anyway, we went 45 minutes in a car. 40 minutes into it Lily
announced that she needed to pee. I told her that we'd be there in 5
minutes. After 2 minutes, I hear:

"daddy, can't we go to one of those buildings to pee?"(referring to
CACI and all the buildings on 66)

I explained that there were, in fact, only 9 parking spots in Arlington and that they were taken today, but we would be "there" in 3 minutes.  As luck would have it, we were there on time, and parked right on Constitution and 20th.  As I got out of the car, Lily, transfixed in a gaze, walked over my seat and got out of the car.  As we started walking, I realized that she left her snack and her sunglasses.  As she walked next to me, I realized that she walked a strange walk.  A half-step with her foot turned in and her arm tucked in. (???)

In the distance across the road, I saw a building.  I thought it was a bathroom, and told Lily so.  As I got closer, I realized that it was the Refreshment Stand...with no bathrooms.  I was intent on letting her pee on the Refreshment stand ("We'll show *them*").  About 100 feet away, I saw the real bathroom.  We hobbled up there to let her do her thing.

You know that feeling you get when your mind and your bladder work together...and then compete?  I knew she was going thru that right now.  I knew that her bladder was glad and ready to let go.  So, I was sad when I saw the sign "Sorry, Closed for Temporary Renovations".  Dude.  The sign was rusted.  "Temporary"?  

I asked Lily if she wanted to walk to the other monument to go or go right here. "Here..."

I stood in front of her as she squatted down.  Almost in jest, I said, "Don't pee on yourself".

When after 2 minutes(according to Lily), I hear "Daddy, I peed on myself".  I started looking through my pockets for paper, receipts, anything to sop up the dregs.  As I looked down at my shoes, I remembered my old roommate "Cheech".  Cheech would always start our platoon runs with 2 socks, but return with none.  Thinking I was being careful not to step in the pee, I leaned to the side and took my shoe off and slipped my sock off and gave it to Lily.  Putting my shoe back on proved more difficult as the "water" wasn't "water".  So, now *I* needed my other sock.  

So, there I was, walking in the heat of early summer with no socks on and my feet on fire.  As I look over at Lily, she is swinging the sock around like she is getting ready to lasso a calf.

Elmo and Alma

As I was reading the family scriptures one night, Isabelle was so excited that she knew the prophet I was talking about, when she yelled out "ELMO and the Lamanites!"

Only at Church

Only at church does this stuff happen...

Last Sunday, Janelle had to go early for choir rehearsal, so I was the father/husband of the year and got all of the kids ready to go.  Having spent some time in the Orient, I purchase a "China Doll" dress for each girl for gifts.  Well, they have since outgrown them and have passed them down.  Isabelle now wears Lily's.  When Lily realized that she didn't fit into any of her dresses...........the wailing and bellowing began.  It was cute, but I felt so bad.  Until...

I realized that I had gotten a deal on another dress while in Singapore.  It was too small for Janelle, but too large for the girls.  The good part was(which I forgot until we got to church) that it was now big enough for Lily, but was actually a mini-dress.  So although it "fit", to quote my mother-in-law, it was a "red light dress" in church.

Before the girls popped into the chapel though, they (of course) had to use the bathroom. Upon returning, Isabelle announced, er, "whispered"...

"MOM, MY BOW FELL INTO THE TOILET"

as we took note that she had the bow in her hair.

I'm balding, but at least I'm Batman

I decided that I needed a haircut on Saturday. Being the truly amazing, thoughtful, and humble father and husband that I am, I took Noah with me. That isn't actually important to the story, but I wanted to put that out there, so the entire Internet knew that...

I got a haircut. As the apparently foreign man took notice of my shirt as I took off my sweater, he must have assumed that I was currently in the Marines and stationed at Quantico...as my shirt said "MARINES Quantico". I did not put this together until he started in with "the 1". Here is my beef with barbers. How do I know what a "1" is? Seriously. Do I ask him the clocking of his RAM or any nerdy things like that?

So, he starts off with "the 1" and soon says, (in somewhat broken English) "It's been a while, huh?" as clumps of hair are flying left and right. I realized at that point, that I would be getting the "Weekend Warrior" haircut. No dice. I got the active duty screamer, baby! Any higher and/or tighter on my do and I'd be considered a slightly overweight Gunny looking for a meeting and a working party.

Anyway, as Noah is chuckling at me, I realized that he has never seen me with really, really, really short hair. Later that night, the kids started in on their observations of the obvious(my little spies in training....)

Isabelle: "Dad....your hair looks....cute"
Lily: "Yeah. It is REALLLY short. It looks nice."
Caleb: "Dad. Your hair is neat. It has hair on both sides, but not in the middle, but it comes to a point...kind of...in the middle....kind of like Batman."


Out of the mouths of children...